(found from theoldvillage.wordpress.com)

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do aclue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?

In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and st back.

A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

-Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
“Cookies”

A first grade teacher repeatedly has trouble with one of her students. Everyday, this little boy sits in the back of the class and makes trouble and distracts the other students. She is determined to teach him and decides that the best way to keep him focused is to appeal to his interests.

One day, the teacher is giving a lesson on basic arithmetic and the little boy is goofing off in the back of the class again. She asks him to settle down and says, “I have a problem I think you might like. There are 5 birds sitting on a telephone wire. You take your BB gun and shoot one. How many birds are left?”

The boy answers, “None. Once I fire the gun, they all fly away.”

The teacher replies, “That’s not the correct answer, but it’s very clever. I like the way you think.”

The boy then says, “Oh well then I have a question for you. Three women are eating popsicles. One is sucking on hers, one is licking hers, and one is biting hers. Which one is married?”

The teacher thinks for a minute and answers, “Well I would think it’d either be the one sucking on her popsicle or the one licking her popsicle.”

The boy replies, “No, it’s the one with the wedding ring, but I like how YOU think.”

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It’s actually a very small number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You don’t know! You weren’t fucking there!

How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it in and one to hold the penis… LADDER.. I mean LADDER.

How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes 4 episodes to do it.

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just Juan
(All Mexican and Black jokes are the same. Once you’ve heard Juan you’ve heard Jamal.)

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. PETA can’t change anything.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to want to change.

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

How many Rolling Stones fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wouldn’t happen, It could be completely burned out for decades and they wouldn’t notice.

Q: How many textbook authors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The solution to this problem is left as an exercise for the reader.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”