Just Juan.

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The American says: “Last night, I had sex with my girlfriend five times. In morning she cooked me a nice big plate of pancakes and later that afternoon she told me that I had the biggest dick she’d ever seen.”
The Englishman replies: “That’s nothing mate, last night I shagged my bird seven times. In the morning she cooked me a full English fry-up and in the afternoon she told me I was the best lay she’d ever had.”
The Englishman and American notice that the Australian has remained oddly quiet throughout the conversation. The Englishman asks: “So how many times did you shag your girlfriend last night?”
“Just the once.” replies the Australian.
“And what did she cook you in the morning?” asks the American.
“Nothing.” Says the Australian.
The Englishman and the American both smirk at each other. “Well,” says the Englishman, “what did she tell you in the afternoon?”
“Don’t stop.”

Original.

Hahahah, YES!

Muhammad Ali (during his heyday) was on a commercial airliner taxiing for takeoff. The stewardess noted that he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and reminded him to please do so.

Ali responded with “Superman don’t need no seatbelt!!”
To which the stewarded responded: “Superman don’t need no airplaine, either”

I have a recurring fantasy about seagulls. They’re essentially airborne rats, and we’re infested with them in my coastal city. Too many times have I seen some unfortunate person walk out of a shop with a snack, only to have it snatched out of their hand by some winged bastard. Seagulls are pure evil.

The fantasy goes like this: I’m walking out of a shop with a delicious glazed doughnut or the like, when a vicious birdnazi spots it and begins to swoop in from behind. It closes in within six foot, and I notice it. Bullet-time kicks in. Colour fades from the world. I slowly turn to face the flying seafuck as my fist clenches. My arm moves with infinite slowness towards the bird, now at only two feet away. It stretches out its nefarious claws in anticipation as my fist impacts the bird in the fucking face. I punch that shit sucking, dick pissing, vicious cunt of a bird in the god damn mouth, causing it to explode due to the force of my punch.

Colour returns to the world, and time suddenly speeds up to normal speed. Suddenly there’s a crowd gathered around me, and everyone is cheering. The doughnut tastes spectacular.

-nomatron