After spending most of my evening drinking and striking out at one of my locals, I decided it was time to hit the showers. It just wasn’t happening for me that night.

I was living with a female friend at the time. We’d never been anything other than platonic with each other– never any real flicker of chemistry between us.

Anyways, I got home and she was there with another girl I’d never met– and both of them were completely blitzed. She introduced me to the girl as I passed, but I was way too drunk to retain her name or anything she told me about her.

We decided to keep the party going, breaking out a bottle of Don Julio my roommate received as a gift. Shots turned into body shots, body shots into making out, making out into everyone getting naked.
All three of us had insane, filthy monkey sex in my living room. I mean, we really tested the limits of human eroticism that night. I remember flashes of that evening: feeding chocolate swirl pudding to my roommate off the tip of my dick, my roommate rimming me, my roommate’s friend going ass-to-mouth. It was just like we were all caught up in this weird, bohemian thing. It just kept escalating.
Anyways, we fucked our drunks off.

Afterward, we all laid awkwardly in a sweaty pile in our living room– everyone satisfied… if a little weirded-out. My roommate’s friend left an hour or so later. I turned in for the night as my roommate walked her outside.

The next morning, it all feels like some weird dream. I’m sorta dreading talking to my roommate– but she’s already up as I’m walking into the kitchen. After a few minutes of strained small talk, my roommate asks if I wanted to “talk about last night.” We both agree it was a one time thing and awkwardly laugh it off.
She puts her hand on her head and says, “I just can’t believe I did all that shit with my cousin.”

A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic, his drinking problem is destroying his family.

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

What’s the worst part about two black guys going over a cliff in a van?
They were my friends.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”

Yo momma is so fat her obesity will most certainly lead to serious health complications.

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Because suits have too many buttons.

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
- Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
- Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
- Love, Vinnie

“A life, Jimmy, you know what that is? It’s the shit that happens while you’re waiting for moments that never come.” – Lester Freamon

“I contradict myself? Very well then; I am large, I contain multitudes.” -Walt Whitman

“I’d call you a cunt, but you lack depth and warmth.” -Articuno

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss – Bernard Baruch.

“You will think a lot less about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do” – David Foster Wallace RIP

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
– Douglas Adams “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe”

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” — Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

“Time you enjoy wasting isn’t wasted time”

“All zoos are petting zoos if you’re brave enough.” -Me

“Every gun that is fired, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.”
-Dwight Eisenhower

“Write drunk; edit sober.” – Hemingway

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
-Mark Twain

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” — Socrates

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You’ll feel so much better!”
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
“Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’ll feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you.”
The lion answers, “That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he’s on ecstasy!”

So I could bang you on my coffee table.

more.
If she was a washing machine, I’d put a dirty load inside her.
If she was a Dominos pizza, I’d be very frustrated if she didn’t come in 30 minutes.
If she was a jigsaw puzzle I would do her on the floor, probably with my niece and nephew.
If she was a magic show, I would do her at a hospital in front of a bunch of sick kids.

period.

I believe in moderation, in moderation.

-yocouchdigga