A first grade teacher repeatedly has trouble with one of her students. Everyday, this little boy sits in the back of the class and makes trouble and distracts the other students. She is determined to teach him and decides that the best way to keep him focused is to appeal to his interests.

One day, the teacher is giving a lesson on basic arithmetic and the little boy is goofing off in the back of the class again. She asks him to settle down and says, “I have a problem I think you might like. There are 5 birds sitting on a telephone wire. You take your BB gun and shoot one. How many birds are left?”

The boy answers, “None. Once I fire the gun, they all fly away.”

The teacher replies, “That’s not the correct answer, but it’s very clever. I like the way you think.”

The boy then says, “Oh well then I have a question for you. Three women are eating popsicles. One is sucking on hers, one is licking hers, and one is biting hers. Which one is married?”

The teacher thinks for a minute and answers, “Well I would think it’d either be the one sucking on her popsicle or the one licking her popsicle.”

The boy replies, “No, it’s the one with the wedding ring, but I like how YOU think.”

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It’s actually a very small number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You don’t know! You weren’t fucking there!

How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it in and one to hold the penis… LADDER.. I mean LADDER.

How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes 4 episodes to do it.

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just Juan
(All Mexican and Black jokes are the same. Once you’ve heard Juan you’ve heard Jamal.)

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. PETA can’t change anything.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to want to change.

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

How many Rolling Stones fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wouldn’t happen, It could be completely burned out for decades and they wouldn’t notice.

Q: How many textbook authors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The solution to this problem is left as an exercise for the reader.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just change the standard to darkness.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first asks for a beer. The second asks for half a beer. The third asks for a quarter beer. The fourth is begins to order an eighth of a beer but the bartender cuts him off.
“You’re all idiots.”
He pours two beers and goes to help other customers.

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” The helium doesn’t react.

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” The superconductor leaves without any resistance.

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” The neutrino says “I’m just passing through.”

So Heisenberg goes to a marriage counselor. He says, “I’m having problems pleasing my wife. Every time I get up any momentum, she says I’ve got the position wrong. every time I manage to get into position, I cant get any momentum going!”

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them. Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side. Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!” Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”

The bartender says, “We don’t serve tachyons in here.”
A tachyon walks into a bar.

A pizza with depth a and radius z has a volume of pi z z a.

Yo momma’s so fat, the probability of her being in an arbitrary point in a room is 1.

What did the classical chicken say?
Bach, Bach, Bach.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It’s a hardware problem.

Q: How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; we’ll fix it in software.

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.”
The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.”
The mathematician says: “You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife – you can do some mathematics.

A quantum physicist was pulled over by a police officer. The officer asks him:
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
And the physicist replies:
“No, but I know exactly where I am.”

Three statisticians are hiding in a bush while duck hunting. They see a duck.
The first statistician gets up, aims and fires. He misses the bird, 2 meters too high.
The second statistician then gets up, aims and fires… and misses the bird. 2 meters too low.
The third statistician gets up and exclaims: “We got him!”

Two functions – an ex and constant – are walking down the street. Suddenly the constant function says “look there is a differential operator, we have to run. If the differential operator acts on me I will vanish”. ex says I don’t care about that I will go there and confront him. ex goes to the differential operator and says “Hi! I am ex”. The differential operator says “Hi! I am d/dy”.

Why was the 17th century called the Baroque?
Because they had no Monet.

Why did the programmer drown in the shower?
His shampoo said “LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT”

If you were DNA, I would want to be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes.

An optimist looks at the glass and says it is half full.
A pessimist looks at the glass and says it is half empty.
An engineer looks at the glass and says that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be

Four engineers are driving in a car: Mechanical, Electrical, Chemical and Software.
A loud BANG occurs and the car comes to a halt.
Mechanical: Hmm, judging on that sound I would say we blew a piston.
Electrical: Actually, that sounds resembled and electrical short circuit to me.
Chemical: I think it sounded like the engine fuel isn’t mixing correctly.
All three look at the software engineer and ask what he thinks it was.
Software: Well, I guess we could all get out and get back in again and see if it works?

Five surgeons are on break. They are discussing which is their favourite type of patient to operate on.
1: I say librarians, because everything is labelled alphabetically.
2: I say accountants, because everything is in numerical order.
3: I say electricians, because everything is colour coded.
4: I say Lawyers, because they’re spineless, gutless, heartless and their head and their ass are interchangeable.
5: I say engineers, because they always understand when you’ve got one piece left over!

Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
A: You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who know binary, those who don’t.

Shrodinger’s cat walks into a bar…
… and it doesn’t.

A physicist, biologist, and mathematician are standing in front of a building. They see a man and woman walk into the building A few minutes later, they witness the same man and woman exit, accompanied by a 3rd person.
The biologist proclaims, “They must have procreated.”
The physicist explains, “No, we must have had an error in measurement.”
The mathematician states, “If 1 more person enters the building now, it will then be empty again.”

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Q. What is the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A. A mechanical engineer builds weapons, a civil engineer builds targets.

Two engineering students are walking to class. One notices that the other is pushing a new bike and inquires about where the first student got it.
“Well,” he says. “I was walking along and a drunk young sorority girl rides up, tosses the bike aside, tears off all her clothes and says ‘Take what you want!’”
“Good choice,” replied the first student. “The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Q: How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but it takes him 10 episodes.

Two strings walk into a bar the bartender asks them “What’ll it be?”. The first string say “I’ll have a beer&@fJls*&qL@O$u”, the second string says “You’ll have to excuse him, he’s not null terminated”.

A rancher hires an engineer, a mathmetician, and a physicist to construct a pasture with a limited amount of fence lengths with maximum area for grazing. The Engineer constructs a square perimeter and says “If you make both sides the same length, you’ll have the most efficient design.” The physicist says, “You need to make the fenced in area as circular as possible to maximize the area.” The mathmetician thinks for awhile and takes three fence lengths and puts them in a small triangle. He walks into the triangular constrained area and declares “I am outside the fence!”

How do you tell an introverted programmer from an extroverted programmer?
An extroverted programmer looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

7 out of 5 people doesn’t understand statistics.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. In fact, now that you’ve taken up my time, I’m going to be even later meeting my friend!”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

I used to bad at geometry, but I turned that around 360 degrees.

Johnny was a chemist. Johnny is no more. What Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4!

Theres no place like 127.0.0.1

Why don’t we go back to my place, and I’ll show you the exponential growth of my natural log.

If you have nothing to say, say it with PowerPoint!

in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere; parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”
The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

It’s fine to have one.
It’s fine to be proud of it.
But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around,
And PLEASE don’t try to shove it down my children’s throats.

Just Juan.

Muhammad Ali (during his heyday) was on a commercial airliner taxiing for takeoff. The stewardess noted that he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and reminded him to please do so.

Ali responded with “Superman don’t need no seatbelt!!”
To which the stewarded responded: “Superman don’t need no airplaine, either”